"Me checking on my daughter as she makes a payment to the contractor who renovated our kitchen. ME- All good in here? Beer? CONTRACTOR- Sure sounds good."
"I'm always playing jokes on the chicks at work. Julie here regained consciousness on the 4th green of the golf course nextdoor. The guys thought that one was hilarious. Especially since she's the one who got roofied and woke up at her desk with golf balls up her twat last month. I like to work in themes."
"ME- What was that noise? MY BUDDY VISITING FROM MY HOMETOWN- Your wife knocked my beer into my lap while wiping the table. ME- Yeah she's a clumcy cunt. Well, you want me to take care of it? BUDDY- Nah, I got it. I haven't wanked in two days, I need to unload anyways. WIFE- What the fu....grpphh!! Muffka phuggrrrr!!!"
"Hey thats my vid from one of my psych studys. I've proven that three hour sessions with a plastic bag and a defribrillator over the course of two years will cause violent hebephrenic schizophrenia. But the doctors won't read my paper, as if the topic itself causes psychotic outbursts...they just yell and throw things at me like apes."